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I should be working right now...

There's nothing to make me feel more like a badass in my mid-thirties than doing nonsense shit (like writing a meaningless blogpost) while i'm supposed to be working. And on my work computer too! I'm a bad girl, i know.

But I'm also bored and sad. It's more complicated than that (ADHD & depression) but let's not care about that right now.

Since November of 2021, I've started a journey to write a book. How has that gone?

Well, it's a journey. I've started 2, finished 0. But i've learned a lot about myself and the process.

It's fucking stressful making up drama for other peoples' lives, especially when those people live in my head. They just want to get out and I won't let them because their story isn't sad enough or they aren't happy enough or this decision they want to make doesn't make sense for what i have planned.

I see all these new authors like "omg i wrote a whole book in 3 months" and i'm like... 1) how?, 2) is it even good?, 3) how long have you been writing?, 4) ok but really, is it like a solid 3/5 or did you try to write a 5/5?

I have only written jokes for the last few years, and even then, i just spout shit off the top of my head with a mic in my hand and if it was funny, i just remember to say it again. that's been my style of writing for the last 6 years. Now i'm trying to sit down and write a book?

Not good enough, Lani.

So... even though i'm frustrated with myelf and impatient, i do realize that i'm learning a lot. But knowing that i don't know shit is also holding me back. I want to learn more and i don't want to write more until i learn more but i won't learn more if i don't take the time to write.

I'm stuck in a cycle and now i'm rambling about it instead of doing work.

this is my word vomit of the day, enjoy.

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